HERE ARE MY CURRENT TOP THREE!
So make a cup of tea, pull up a chair and get comfy, because we have quite the selection here for y'all today (they say that too).1.
Because you have an illness that exceeds the one week duration of say, the flu, people get used to the idea that you are not well. So they don't contact you to check in, or their empathy wanes because you're often out of sight, out of mind and your situation lacks urgency or the novelty of it being new.
This happens. We become familiar with someone's situation and unintentionally forget that they might be struggling with said ordained pickles and still need our "how you doing today? need a hug/chat/milkshake?" type expressions of care and concern.
We also tend to assume that all that person's other people will be taking care of said contact and care. The fancy name for this in psychology is the 'diffusion of responsibility', which pretty much means, we don't do nothin', coz some other guy will do it for us. Obviously if we all think this though, that person is left lacking.
We also believe that if someone has an ongoing trial, it gets easier, they get used to it. But anyone (honest) with chronic illness (or anyone experiencing loss/major transition) can tell you that you do not just get used to being unable to do your washing or your groceries and it does not get easier each time you have to cancel plans and decline invitations to things that you wanted to go to. Especially when the response you receive makes you feel guilty for being sick or simply not cared for. "Soz u feelin' crummy, get well soon" is a kick in the teeth when you are miserable and you want to be out, living. And you won't get well soon, because it's not the flu, it's a chronic illness.
Admittedly, people don't always know what to say. That's understandable, especially if they cannot relate. But if they are close to you in any way, they will feel for you and can find a way to express those feelings, even if it's by doing something for you. Sometimes you just want someone to express genuine compassion and be like 'Shit, that sucks, it must be really hard being in your twenties and feeling like you're in your eighties. I am so sorry that there are people walking the moon but you can't even walk to the letterbox right now. Damn'.
It does however, make you absolutely TREASURE the few gems that are there for you and do make it wonderfully known. Thank God for such gems.
2.
When it is summer time and you want to be outside. Swimming at the beach or having a drink in the sun like everyone you follow on Instagram.
Not much elaboration needed here. FOMO, or 'fear or missing out' for those who aren't in the know with colloquial abbreviations. And who would find it easier to be cooped up in bed while the cicadas are singing and the sun is chasing the cabbage butterflies outside your window? Obviously it's easier to succumb to your condition and get lost in blankets when it's 3 degrees, the sky looks vulgar and everyone else's mood does too.
3.
When you let your mind wander and imagine what life might look like if you were not as you are now (struggling to accept reality)
If you had been well enough to finish your degree, hold down your nine to five job that bought in the dollar dollar bills. If you'd married a filthy rich individual you met online and didn't have to worry about finance. If you'd had kids before you got sick. If you hadn't. If you had moved overseas because you were well enough, etc.
But would you be any happier? Would everything actually magically have come together for you, promising a life of triumphant ease?
But would you be any happier? Would everything actually magically have come together for you, promising a life of triumphant ease?
No, fool. Life is always going to have it's lemons and pickles to hurl at you. If you had perfect health you still wouldn't be immune to struggle with job security, heartbreak, or worse, neighbours who love drum and bass.
To fantasise about alternative ways our lives could have gone is torture. It is simply not helpful for anyone to repeat internal screenings of the 90's film 'Sliding Doors' with themselves playing Gwyneth. Perpetually guessing what life could have been like had they missed the train, or hosted impeccable immune and central nervous systems. It is a waste of our time and of our limited energy. This is what we have been given, it isn't easy, but let us do with it what we can.
